This is How I Feel

I feel like I have spent a very long time, maybe even my whole life tying to get someone..anyone to understand how I feel...but I can't. There comes a time when you just swallow it all up, no matter how much it hurts because you just feel like you can't burden your friends and family with it anymore. You keep it in, put a smile on your face, and try your hardest to go on even though you feel like you are dying from the inside out. This is how i feel.

I guess I have had a lot of time to think and try to sort it all out and make some sort of sense of it all. I guess the most simplistic way to describe my thoughts are that I feel like somehow when I wasn't paying attention or took a second to close my eyes..life left me behind.

I don't know how or when it happened... but it happened. I feel like I waited my whole life to get here..you know all grown up, on my own and able to make my own decisions finally free from the stress and rigidness of my childhood. Everything's great..right? No..not really. It hurts..really bad, like an elephant on my chest and knots in my stomach..always looking for something, anything to make it go away. The only problem is.. I can't find what this thing is. So often, for no real reason I feel like curling up in a ball and crying. I sit around and think so often I just want to call out to my mom, like I'm 3 years old. I don't know at what point in life, someone decided that we no longer needed the comfort and touch of someone who loves us, like a mother. Think about it, when you see a little child who is upset or crying, the first thing they do is run to their mother, who usually wraps them up in a blanket, strokes their hair and tells them it's going to be ok. Yes, I realize I am almost 29 years old, but I still need this..desperately...The only problem is, I didnt grow up in a family that did a whole lot of this. Maybe when I was teeny tiny, so small that I don't remember, but certainly not as a teenager or adult. I think it has made me increasingly more sad when I look around and realize that it didn't have to be this way. Lots of families are different than this and show true affection for each other, even though everyone is all grown up. In my family, I look around and everyone is getting further and further away from me. They have their own lives and enjoy this. No time for the adult child who so often feels like I am 3 years old.

I know it sounds contradictory because so much of my adult life has been about getting away from the judgemental, harsh clutches of my parents, but here I am wishing for affection from them. I think its just natural really,regardless of how you grew up, in the end we all want and need the same basic things..to feel safe, needed, and loved. Maybe some of us need it more than others, however if you've always had this in your life, you may not realize or appreciate it until its gone.

So much of this I don't understand. I have lived my life the best way I know how. Trying to always consider the thoughts and feelings of others, trying to put others before myself. I know I am not perfect, but I sure did try. I realize that I am very sensitive and get my feelings hurt easily, so I have always tried to keep this in perspective when dealing with others. I try hard to include others, make them feel welcome and comfortable and if they have a problem, I certainly will try my hardest to help. I dont always get this in return, but I shouldnt expect others to think or feel the same way I do, but it does still hurt. I definitely can not deny this. I look around at people I know, some I have known a long time, some I have not, but they all do hold importance in my life. Somehow I very much feel like I have been left behind in so many ways. They all have things going on, naturally, with there own lives and I just stand here looking. I am still the same old ME, still needing and wanting the same things. My plea to the world around me is..please don't forget about me..I'm still here.

So here I sit, often feeling like I'm in a black hole that I can't figure out how to get out of. I have tried all my old tricks, to get out of this. Telling myself I am strong, working out HARD until my body is fatigued, but refreshed, doing things that I know I enjoy..so why do I still feel so bad? I think its because, in the end, I still feel like I have no real purpose in this life. Here I am ...being left further and further behind. Nothing to lift this feeling, nothing to make me feel needed. Here I am..please don't forget about me.

Am I Overly Cautious or Just One Big Nerd?

Ok, so I know I am probably MORE cautious/scared of weird little things than the average 28 year old. Since it was brought to my attention today (you know who you are LOL)  I have been thinking of what these little things are. Am I crazy or are they justified....

1.I am scared of airplanes, yes I will fly if I have to, but I do NOT enjoy it and I ALWAYS think I'm going to die

2.I am claustrophobic. I get nervous in elevators, freak out if I'm confined in any way and can't move and have been saying for years that I NEVER will allow anyone to put me in one of those MRI machines...PERIOD

3.I get scared at nite at home alone sometimes, I always think someone is trying to get me

4.I have a minor panic attack when I know for whatever reason I am going to be forced to step on a scale

5.I'm terrified of getting pregnant

6.I will not go in  a store alone at nite..my reasons ARE justified in this one

7.I always have a fear of getting lost and never finding my way again...

8.The few times I have had a pedicure, I worried a lot of getting a weird foot fungus.

9.Doctors scare me, but I'm working through this one

10.Driving at nite scares me. The lights from other cars are very disorienting to me and  I feel like I will run off the road

11. SNAKES SNAKES SNAKES!!!

That's all I can think of at the moment..will add more later.

Birdies

 I like birds..not real birds, but simple drawings of birds. I'm talking about cartoonish pencil drawings, not anything that looks realistic. I really really love them. It all started a few years ago. I saw some drawings of some birds on the Weepies album and fell in love. Soon I was embroidering lil birdies on the pockets of my jeans, drawing lil birds on random things. I eventually got a tattoo of some birds on my hip that I absolutely love. I have a little rubber stamp of a very simple stick figure bird with a nest. Anything I send in the mail to someone, I stamp the little bird on the back like a trademark.I really dig it.

The very ironic thing about this is..I'm not very fond of REAL birds much at all. In fact I'm a little scared of them which makes my love of bird drawings kind of funny. Since my love of birdie things has begun, I have had 3 close encounters with REAL birds that have nearly put me over the edge! LOL A few summers ago I was casually standing in the driveway of someone I didnt know well at all, when all of the sudden I felt a SPLAT on my head. Oh yeah...it absolutely was bird poop in my HAIR and there were seeds!!!!!!!! Suddenly I had absolutely disgust for myself. I think I screamed and ran around not knowing what to do! There were seeds in my hair WAHHHHHHHH! Dumbfounded I ran and cried and got in my car and hated that bird!

This past October Travis and I went on a cruise. We had the most fabulous balcony and had dreamed months prior to the cruise of lounging around our room with the balcony door open listening to the sound of the ocean. We thought about this almost every day leading up to this cruise. So when we were actually there, we did just that. It was after dinner one night, we were just resting before heading out for drinks and fun. We had our balcony door opened...enjoying the breeze! Robbin came across the balcony to visit, tripped over the ledge of the door and yelled...WHAT WAS THAT! Keep in mind I saw NOTHING but screamed hysterically and threw the comforter over my head! Travis was so shocked, he waddled around in the bed, seemingly unable to move....it was a freakin' bird! A bird had flown in my cabin from in the middle of the ocean!!! How did this happen?????? Out of all the cabins, why did this bird pick MINE and where did it come from???? We were literally in the middle of the ocean!!!! Hilarious...so here I am loving lil birdie drawings and terrified of a lil tiny bird who had mistakenly flown into my cabin. So afraid that I apparently had to hide!!!!! LMAO.

Most recently Travis and I were coming  back to my car from inside the Walmart and as we approached my beloved Wendy I noticed a HUGE seagull perched on top...and oh yeah, this bird was not moving. Let me just say, those things are WAY bigger up close than you would think....unless this one was just a monster bird! I was too afraid to get close enough to the car to get in. Travis takes his hat off of his head and swats at the bird! OMG i ran around like a nut screaming and put my jacket up over my head! Travis still laughs at how I ran away and screamed ..ITS GOING TO GET US!!!!!!

So apparently in real life....i am afraid of birds....but love drawings of :0) And thats just how I roll.

I Tap Because I Can

Ok, so its a secret..Shhhhhh..I am 28 years old and I LOVE tap dancing.Its a secret. I know its quirky and goofy and down right nerdy, but I just can't help myself!I really really love it and do it as often as I can get away with. I do go to my tap class on Mondays but I definitely find myself tapping throughout the whole rest of the week LOL. I tap my feet under my desk at work, I tap in my house in the kitchen..heck I will even find myself tapping a little bit in the hallways of the nursing home where I work. Don't get my wrong..I'm not actually wearing tap shoes.. but sometimes I do start to visualize a step I may have just learned..or maybe I just really like the way it sounds and I might break it out at any given moment. LOL Truth be known..I'm generally very discreet about it and if you weren't paying attention or didn't really know me..you'd have no idea what I was doing with my feet. Sometimes when I'm just standing still..like in line at the grocery store, or maybe standing somewhere at work...I might be moving my feet ever so slightly counting some taps out in my head. HAHA Ok, the secrets out. I realize one day i WILL get caught and someone will say..ummmmmm Susan...what are you doing???????? At that time of course I will LIE. Until then, I'm gonna keep on tapping, Sister :0)  

This American Life

For a few years now, Travis has been telling me about a radio show that comes on NPR called This American Life. I must admit, it took me a while to embrace it but now I am hooked and fascinated. The show is about average people telling interesting  and sometimes unbelievable stories about their lives.  When going on road trips, Travis often gets podcasts on his ipod and we listen to them while we travel. It's weird, some of them are so interesting that you really feel like you are somewhere else and are totally in a zone. My all time favorite episode of This American Life is an episode about a series of cassette tapes that were created in the late 60's early 70's that were sent back and forth between a family and their son/brother who was in medical school in a another state. Different members of the family would go down to the basement and record themselves talking about whatever was going on in their lives at the time and then the tape was sent in the mail.  These tapes went on for several years showing a very eery progression of this family.These tapes were found by a random person in a thrift store many years later and submitted to This American Life.

I have recently discovered that This American Life also has an actual tv show that comes on HBO. Same exact concept except its just on tv rather than the radio. I dont get HBO, so I got them through Netflix.

Tonight we put in one the dvds..and yes it was fascinating. The first "act" as they call it was about a farmer who had a tamed bull as a pet. He loved this bull who they allowed to wander freely around their yard, sleep in his favorite place in the front yard etc. The bull's name was Chance.  After many years, Chance died at age 19. Somehow, and I wasn't completely clear on this part...they cloned Chance. They named the baby bull Second Chance.  This farmer and his wife who had so dearly loved Chance wanted Second Chance to be just like him. They treated him the same..just like a pet. They were so excited to see that each day as the bull grew, he looked a little more like Chance..even eating like Chance they claimed as well as going in the yard to sleep in the same place that his predecessor had. They loved Second Chance, even throwing him a birthday party...until one day after the farmer started leading him through the pasture was kicked, knocked down and hurt badly by this animal that they so very much wanted to believe was just like their tamed Chance. The farmer said he still believed that this was just another version of Chance, going out into the pasture to try and reason with the bull as to why he had done this. Several months later, the same thing happened, only the poor farmer was hurt very badly and hospitalized. Although clearly this bull is not tamed, he still holds on to the belief that this is the same bull he had dearly loved. Cloned or not..it seemed obvious that this animal was doing these things to show he was not the same Chance......

The second Act of This American Life proved to be just as interesting if not more so. It was about an improv group in NYC that stage ...not really pranks, but random situations throughout the city without letting on that the whole thing is very calculated and staged...ex..a random birthday party on the subway and getting everyone in the subway involved. One of their most intricate pranks (for lack of a better word) was to give a up and coming struggling band the rock concert experience of a lifetime. They chose a group called Ghosts of Pasha. They hired people in the city to learn the music of this band, and attend the concert acting as if it was their all time favorite band in the whole entire world and very enthusiastically participate in the concert. So basically..everyone at the concert was an actor, pretending to absolutely LOVE the music. Well...it went over great.....they thought. The band was confused, but absolutely elated for exactly 3 days...until some random asshole revealed the prank on the internet about what had really happened. Word got out fast...the band was crushed. People started writing very unkind things about "the worst band ever" etc. As it turns out....this really affected the band. One member was so beside himself because he had been so picked on as a child and felt like it was happening all over again as an adult. The band finally decided to stand up for themselves and respond to all the nastiness that occured on the internet.....and it worked and people responded. They continued to do shows in the New York area. The improv group states that it was not intended to be a mean prank...it was intended to make someones dreams their reality. Yes it absolutely backfired, but at the end of the act the question remained........would YOU rather have dreams or reality??????????

Interesting stuff that makes you think! Love love love this show!!!!!

Craft Day

Well Ladies and Gentleman...today was officially "CRAFT DAY." My friend Robbin and I are very nerdish type crafters...we often joke that our crafts look a tad bit on the the level of what a child would make. We laugh and have fun just the same. Some of the crafts we do are making homemade cards, making ginerbread houses, anything that looks interesting and not too difficult we will try. Today was card making day. We both enjoy picking up random odds and ends at the craft store and then pooling them together and sharing our goods. Usually craft time is a silly time of drinking wine, gossiping, laughing and of course...crafting:0) We both decided today we really needed to sit down and really work on some cards so that we would have a stash of them for any occassion that might come up.

Probably the most embarressing crafting experience we had was when we decided to make my mom a card as a thank for you sewing us special dresses to wear on a cruise. The card was handmade using scraps of fabric from the dresses. It WAS cute, but cute like your CHILD made it..not two grown adults LOL. Well of course mom loved it, BUT the embarressing thing was that she pulled it out and showed to to a whole group of adults at our bookclub. It was mortifying! This craft thing is kinda like a guilty pleasure since (speaking of myself only) the crafts are NOT proffessional in any kind of way. They are silly and goofy and done just for fun!!!!!

The crafting alllll began a few years ago when a mutual friend of ours was getting married. One silly Friday night after some wine I'm quite sure, we thought it would be funny to craft her a hilarious and hideously tacky wedding invitation and send it to her, making her believe it was an actual prototype of a real card. We wanted her to think that we would be helping her out in a very special way by designing handmade wedding invitations for her to send out to her guests. Well, this thing was hideous. It had neon green ribbon on it, random nautical themed stamps on it and a pirate haiku on the inside. It was terrible and the edges were accidently burned from the embossing gun...wellll that just added to the intentional tackiness! It was all fun and games and the poor recipient of this fine craft loved it too! And so the crafting began.....:0)