Sunday, August 30, 2009

This is How I Feel

I feel like I have spent a very long time, maybe even my whole life tying to get someone..anyone to understand how I feel...but I can't. There comes a time when you just swallow it all up, no matter how much it hurts because you just feel like you can't burden your friends and family with it anymore. You keep it in, put a smile on your face, and try your hardest to go on even though you feel like you are dying from the inside out. This is how i feel.
I guess I have had a lot of time to think and try to sort it all out and make some sort of sense of it all. I guess the most simplistic way to describe my thoughts are that I feel like somehow when I wasn't paying attention or took a second to close my left me behind.
I don't know how or when it happened... but it happened. I feel like I waited my whole life to get know all grown up, on my own and able to make my own decisions finally free from the stress and rigidness of my childhood. Everything's great..right? No..not really. It hurts..really bad, like an elephant on my chest and knots in my stomach..always looking for something, anything to make it go away. The only problem is.. I can't find what this thing is. So often, for no real reason I feel like curling up in a ball and crying. I sit around and think so often I just want to call out to my mom, like I'm 3 years old. I don't know at what point in life, someone decided that we no longer needed the comfort and touch of someone who loves us, like a mother. Think about it, when you see a little child who is upset or crying, the first thing they do is run to their mother, who usually wraps them up in a blanket, strokes their hair and tells them it's going to be ok. Yes, I realize I am almost 29 years old, but I still need this..desperately...The only problem is, I didnt grow up in a family that did a whole lot of this. Maybe when I was teeny tiny, so small that I don't remember, but certainly not as a teenager or adult. I think it has made me increasingly more sad when I look around and realize that it didn't have to be this way. Lots of families are different than this and show true affection for each other, even though everyone is all grown up. In my family, I look around and everyone is getting further and further away from me. They have their own lives and enjoy this. No time for the adult child who so often feels like I am 3 years old.
I know it sounds contradictory because so much of my adult life has been about getting away from the judgemental, harsh clutches of my parents, but here I am wishing for affection from them. I think its just natural really,regardless of how you grew up, in the end we all want and need the same basic feel safe, needed, and loved. Maybe some of us need it more than others, however if you've always had this in your life, you may not realize or appreciate it until its gone.
So much of this I don't understand. I have lived my life the best way I know how. Trying to always consider the thoughts and feelings of others, trying to put others before myself. I know I am not perfect, but I sure did try. I realize that I am very sensitive and get my feelings hurt easily, so I have always tried to keep this in perspective when dealing with others. I try hard to include others, make them feel welcome and comfortable and if they have a problem, I certainly will try my hardest to help. I dont always get this in return, but I shouldnt expect others to think or feel the same way I do, but it does still hurt. I definitely can not deny this. I look around at people I know, some I have known a long time, some I have not, but they all do hold importance in my life. Somehow I very much feel like I have been left behind in so many ways. They all have things going on, naturally, with there own lives and I just stand here looking. I am still the same old ME, still needing and wanting the same things. My plea to the world around me is..please don't forget about me..I'm still here.
So here I sit, often feeling like I'm in a black hole that I can't figure out how to get out of. I have tried all my old tricks, to get out of this. Telling myself I am strong, working out HARD until my body is fatigued, but refreshed, doing things that I know I why do I still feel so bad? I think its because, in the end, I still feel like I have no real purpose in this life. Here I am ...being left further and further behind. Nothing to lift this feeling, nothing to make me feel needed. Here I am..please don't forget about me.